


What Made You Think That?

by AibouFTW



Category: Homestuck
Genre: Alternate Universe - High School, Friends to Lovers, M/M, Rumors
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-01-06
Updated: 2014-01-06
Packaged: 2018-01-07 18:40:01
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 12,109
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1123080
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/AibouFTW/pseuds/AibouFTW
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Your name is John Egbert, and you've set yourself on a mission to get a girlfriend.</p>
<p>...Too bad every girl seems so goddamned confused when you ask them out on a date.  What's their problem?  Is it something they're not telling you?</p>
            </blockquote>





	What Made You Think That?

**Author's Note:**

> What was originally a prompt for a kinkmeme over a year ago (I can't seem to find the link) ended up getting blown way out of proportion. I hope you enjoy anyway.

John and Dave.

Dave and John.

The two of you are a package deal; you can’t have one without the other.  That’s how it’s always been.  It’s like how you can’t have movie marathons without popcorn, or sleepovers without blanket forts, or jelly without peanut butter. 

…Okay, maybe that wasn’t the best example to use, since your peanut allergy kinda prevents you from even _looking_ at a PP &J sandwich.

Anyway, that’s totally what you and Dave are to the other students in your high school.  Not that you have a problem with it, of course!  He _is_ your best bro after all.  He has been since you were both eleven and socially awkward teens going through puberty.

Well…you guess you’re _still_ socially awkward teens going through puberty, but at least you’re not awkward _with each other_ anymore.

 

* * *

 

_“…Want to go to the movies with me?”_

_You don’t know what kind of reaction you were expecting before, but_ this _was not it._

_She stares at you for a moment as she leans against her locker, one of her delicate eyebrows raised.  Why does she look so confused?  You’re a guy, asking a girl out to the movies.  It can’t get simpler than that, right?_

_…Right?_

_After an awkward silence that seems to last forever, she shakes her head, as if to rid herself of her thoughts.  Her lips curl into a small, unsure smile.  “I’m sorry…what did you ask again?”_

_Why is this so hard?  And_ god _, is it getting hotter in here?  Your face feels like it’s on fire.  “I…was asking if you wanted to go to the movies with me, Alice.”_

_Her brow subtly furrows in…again,_ why _does she look so fucking confused?  It’s not like you weren’t clear.  Alice shakes her head again, her shoulder length blonde hair swishing back and forth.  She’s looking at you with a slightly wider smile.  Your heart’s starting to pick up its pace.  Is she going to say yes?_

_“I’m so sorry, John, but I have a huge project that’s due next week.  I’ll be working on it all weekend.”_

_Wait, what?  Now_ you’re _confused._

_“Don’t worry about it, Alice.  We can always plan for next we-”_

_The warning bell rings.  Shit, you knew you should have asked her_ before _school!_

_Alice shows you a sympathetic smile as she gives your back a firm pat.  “I really am sorry, John.  Maybe you should try asking someone else,” she says before she walks off with her friends down the hall._

_You’re left standing in the middle of the hallway, even more confused than before you asked her in the first place._  

 

* * *

  

You’ll always remember when you first met him in middle school.  The two of you had been forced to work on a project together in History class.  You can’t recall exactly what the assignment _was_ , but you can definitely remember your first interactions with him.  Back in those days, you had always thought that he was _so cool_.  Seriously, who else could get by wearing ridiculous pointy anime shades in class?  Only cool people, that’s who.

Always the one being eager to make new friends, you weren’t afraid to be the first one to strike a conversation.  At that age, you hadn’t quite developed the self-awareness and tact needed to realize that you need to just shut up sometimes when talking to your peers.  So you had just talked and talked and talked while Dave did nothing but give the occasional one-word reply or a nod of the head.  However, there was just _something_ about Dave that never made you feel uncomfortable.  Whether it was because his expression never changed, or because he never actually _told_ you to shut up, you have no idea.

You had realized when he finally started contributing to the conversation how interesting Dave can be.  Also, more importantly, you had found out how much of a _dork_ he is.  Once you got him to start, you couldn’t get him to _stop_.  He would ramble and go deep into convoluted metaphors that lost you within the first ten seconds he opened his mouth.  He was so obsessed with something he called “irony,” which you’re _still_ pretty sure doesn’t exist.  At least, not by _that_ bullshit definition.  It wasn’t until you finally got him to _laugh_ that you realized you wanted to be his best bro forever.

 

* * *

 

_“Hey, Brittany!”_

_The girl a couple of yards in front of you stops in her tracks and turns around, her dirty blonde hair swinging behind her.  She smiles at the sight of you running to catch up with her.  “Hey, John!  What’s up?” she asks excitedly._

_You take a couple of moments to catch your breath before broaching the topic.  You don’t want to sound like some out of shape middle-aged man trying to run on a treadmill…_

_…_ Wow _, you’ve been hanging out with Dave too much!  His metaphors are starting to infiltrate your brain!_

_You show Brittany the brightest smile you can manage.  “I just had something that I wanted to ask you.”_

_Her brown eyes sparkle.  Good, you’ve piqued her interest!  “Well, I’m all ears!”_

_Before you realize it, your heart starts picking up in double-time.  What do you have to be so nervous about?  You’ve known Brittany since sophomore year!  She’s been your lab partner in every science class you’ve shared!  Also, you actually decided to ask_ before _school started this time, so everything should work out perfectly, right?_

_…Right?_

_“I just found out that really cool movie with Matthew McConaughey is coming out in theaters this weekend!  Wanna go with me?”_

_Good job, John!  You asked her in a way that didn’t totally sound like a date!  And you know she likes the McConaughey as much as you do!  It really_ will _be perfect, you just_ know _it!_

_…except god_ dammit _she’s got her brow furrowed.  Why does she look so confused, too?  Are you doing something wrong?  Okay.  Don’t get your panties in a bunch just yet.  Maybe she’s confused_ because _you asked her in a way that didn’t totally sound like a date.  Things will be great, just wait and se-_

_“John…are you…asking me out on a date?”_

Shit _._

_You let out an awkward chuckle as you scratch the back of your neck.  “Uh…maybe…?  If you want it to be…?  I guess?”_

_She stares at you for a bit (seriously, why does everyone seem so confused?) before showing a small smile.  “I…I don’t think that will really…work out.  I’m so sorry, John.”_

_Goddammit.  Not again._

_She lets out a small chuckle as she lifts a hand to ruffle your hair.  “I just…really like you as a friend…and suddenly going on a date could ruin that, you know?”_

_You sigh as you nod your head, feeling completely and utterly defeated._

_“Aww, don’t look like that!  You know there are_ plenty _of other fish in the sea, right?”_

_“Yeah…”_

_“No seriously, John.  I know that there’s at least one person who will jump you the moment you ask them out.  You just…have to ask the right one.”  She gives you a wink.  “See you in AP Bio!”_

_You do nothing but wave back as she runs away to catch up with her friends._

_Seriously._

_What the hell just happened?_

* * *

The two of you had been practically attached at the hip after that.  You would hang out at each other’s houses almost every day after school.  There would be sleepovers during the weekends.  The best kinds too, the kinds with epic blanket forts and movie marathons complete with popcorn.  See, all of those examples earlier also add up to what makes you two inseparable! 

Even your families were quick to get along.  It didn’t take long before Dad was baking Dave his own cakes alongside yours, and Bro was teaching you how to strife.  Except that didn’t work out for very long; he immediately found out how much of a wimp you are (also, you’re pretty sure Dave was ready to kill him after he saw your injuries the first time).  Both your cousin, Jade, and his half-sister, Rose, had even become a part of your friendship.  Before you knew it, you had an epic group of four.

What made Dave special, though, was that you still spent all of your time with him, and you were never sick of it.  You feel it’s safe to assume he’s never minded it either, since half the time he’d invite you over to his place after your group get-togethers.  To you, he was always more than just a friend.  What he was exactly was a question you’ve never felt the need to answer.

You’ve never had any reason to doubt your friendship, even when you entered high school.  You didn’t have to start angsting about trivial things like how he’ll realize how much of a dork you are and leave you for the cooler crowd.  The one time that some hot-shot jocks tried to bully you for who knows what reason, Dave was immediately there, ready to beat their asses to a pulp.  It was after that that your peers _knew_ to never touch you or Dave.  He _was_ a beast when it came to fighting, especially with a sword (not that he brought it to school of course!).

Things have always been great with Dave.  Hanging around him made you feel like smiling all the time and attempting to crack one out of him too.  Whenever he did, it was like you won all the trophies.  All of them.  You didn’t care when people would give you looks when you walked down the hallways together, or wrote notes to each other in class.  They had all the reasons to be jealous of your epic broship.

However recently, you’ve decided to try something new.

 

* * *

 

_Okay._

_You have it all planned out.  You’re going to ask her_ after _school this time.  Not_ during _, when you both have to worry about the entire school body around you and getting to classes on time.  Not_ before _, when you still have to worry about getting to class on time._ After _school is the best time, because there’s nothing keeping you two from staying in the moment._

_This is such a foolproof plan, you’re almost angry that you didn’t think of it sooner.  Everything should go off without a hitch this time, right?_

_…Right?_

_“So, you have something you want to talk to me about, John?”_

_“Yeah, Cassie, I do.”  You take a deep breath.  It’s okay, John.  You’ve got this!  “I was wondering if you wanted to go to the movies with me this weekend.”_

_Oh fuck your fucking life, Cassie’s looking at you with that same look of confusion.  Why is everyone so goddamned_ confused _?  Is it really that much of a surprise that John Egbert actually has the balls to ask a girl out?  Did they think that you would be forever the loser without a date?  Well, you’re going to prove them wrong!_

_You’re about to say something when you notice her bite her lip, her hand going up to brush her blonde bangs away from her eyes.  Cassie looks away for a bit before meeting your gaze again.  She still looks a little confused.  “John…can I ask you a question?”_

_You swear your gulp is so loud that everyone around you can hear it.  “Of course, Cassie.  I’m all ears!  Heheh…”_

_“Why…are you asking_ me _out?”_

_Well,_ that _one threw you for a loop.  Why would she be asking_ that _?  “Well…I think you’re pretty…and we get along in the cinema club…I dunno…I just thought we might make a nice pair…?  Or something like that?”_

_Cassie lets out a sigh as her lips curl into a sympathetic smile.  Oh great, you failed at this attempt too, huh.  “I’m sorry, John, but…I feel like there’s someone else you should be asking.  Not me.”_

_Now it’s_ your _turn to look at her with a confused expression.  What is she talking about?  Also, why are all of these girls hinting that there’s someone else?  God, you feel like you don’t know anything anymore._

_She must have seen your puzzled expression, because she decides to continue.  “Forget what I said.  Again, I’m so sorry, John.  We can still be friends right?”_

_You let out a sigh as you nod your head.  “Of course, Cassie.  I wouldn’t have it any other way.”_

* * *

Your name is John Egbert, and you’ve set yourself on a mission to get a girlfriend.

 

* * *

 

You let out a frustrated groan as you collapse on your bed. 

“Let me guess: she didn’t want to climb aboard the U.S.S. Egbert either?”

“Shut up, Dave.”

“I’m totally right though.”

“Strider, it might be in everyone’s best interest if you stop pestering him.”

“Fuck you, Lalonde.”

You turn your gaze from the ceiling and look around at your peers.  Dave’s sitting on the floor next to your bed, his elbows resting on the edge of the mattress.  Rose is sitting on your bed with you, fabric resting in her lap and needles in her hands as she works on her newest sweater project.  Jade’s sitting at your desk, currently using your computer.  This is what it’s like every Friday night with your epic group of four, and you wouldn’t have it any other way.

You heave a sigh as you look again at Rose.  Her black lips are curled into a small, smug smile as she looks at Dave’s irritated form.  “He is right though, Rose.  Cassie _did_ turn me down this afternoon.”

“Well that’s just plain stupid!” Jade yells before swiveling in your chair to face you.  Her brows are bunched together in frustration, her emerald eyes burning behind her round glasses.  “What is _up_ with all of these girls, anyway?!  Can’t they see that you would make a really awesome boyfriend?”

You cover your face with your hands as you let out another groan.  “I dunno, Jade…I obviously must be doing _something_ wrong.”

From close by, you can hear Dave scoff.  “Yeah you are, Egbert; you keep asking blondes.”

Removing your face from your hands, you turn to face him.  Or…face the back of his head, anyway.  He’s still resting against the edge of your bed.  “What does their hair have to do with _anything_ , you doofus?”

“Oh wow…” Jade says as she places a hand to her chin in thought.  “I’ve never noticed that before.  John, you must really have a thing for blondes, don’t you?”

Wow.  Somehow you’ve never noticed that either.  You immediately figure that it’s just a coincidence, so you tell her as such.

“Yeah, John.  You ask out three different girls, who all just _happen_ to have blonde hair.”

“Exactly, Jade.”

Dave tilts his head slightly so he can look at you.  You can see the smirk he’s got on his stupid face.  “Nah, I think Egbert just gets tight in his pants for blondes.”

“ _Dave_!!”

Everyone around you bursts into laughter as you smack Dave in the arm.  God, if he wasn’t your best bro, you would totally just punch that bastard in the face.

When the laughter starts to subside, Jade looks at you, her eyes bright with curiosity.  “Why are you suddenly asking all of these girls out anyway?”

You return your gaze to the ceiling as you consider your answer.  That’s a good question.  Why _do_ you want a girlfriend so much anyway?

You think it all started when Dad started making suggestions a month or so ago.  “This is a prime time in your life to start learning how to be a gentleman, son,” he would say.  “Just make sure that you treat them properly and with respect, just like I taught you.”

For some reason, the idea of dating never even crossed your mind until he started mentioning it every now and then.  You had noticed that Dave never made any moves towards the girls at your school.  But, hey, maybe he’s just not ready for that kind of relationship yet!  Everyone grows at their own pace.  Just because Dave hasn’t started looking doesn’t mean that you should wait to do so.

You shrug your shoulders.  “I think Dad’s started hinting at it or something.  Like it’s something I should think about.  I don’t know, though; it’s turning out to be a lot more difficult than I had originally imagined.”

You turn to look at Rose again when you feel her hand ruffle your hair.  There’s something about her smile that puts you on edge.  You don’t know what it is.  Maybe because it’s so…knowing?  Is that the right word?  She looks like she knows something that you don’t, and the idea of that doesn’t settle well with you.  “Don’t fret so much about it, John.  The likelihood of you finding a romantic partner is a great deal higher than you may think.  You just haven’t asked the right person yet.”

Oh god.  Not Rose too.  What’s up with everyone suggesting that there’s someone else, almost as if the answer to your problems is sitting right next to you at this very moment?  She wouldn’t be hinting at herself, right?  For starters, you know she’s a lesbian, since she’s been with her girlfriend since freshman year and they’re still going strong.  But also, even if she _were_ straight, you don’t think you could ever see her as anything other than a sister.  Then, of course, Jade’s in the room too, but she’s your cousin and that would be kind of gross.  Maybe incest works out well for some people, but…let’s just say it’s not your cup of tea.

Suddenly, the more you think about it, the more your chest swells with a newfound sense of confidence.  You sit up on your bed, your hands clenched into determined fists.  “You know what?  You’re right, Rose!  I _will_ find myself a girlfriend!  I just have to ask the right person!!”

 

* * *

 

… 

…as if it were actually _that_ easy to just happen to “ask the right person.”

Over the past couple of weeks, you really _have_ made some progress in the whole “girlfriend-making thing.”  However, the keyword here is “some.”  Sure, you’ve managed to somehow get a couple of girls to actually _go out_ with you (much to your surprise with the way they were so _hesitant_ to say yes).  The thing is, both of them didn’t last longer than the first date.

Your date with Elizabeth was nothing but ridiculously awkward.  You don’t even know why; it’s not like you’re _that_ awkward of a dude or anything!  There was just _something_ about the atmosphere of it all that made Elizabeth seem uncomfortable the entire time.  It was almost like she was expecting something to happen that would ruin the date or something; which is actually quite rude now that you think about it.

Now that you _are_ thinking about it, should you have made some moves on her?  Like trying to hold her hand or hanging your arm over her shoulders while watching the movie?  You don’t know why, but something about the way she acted tells you that she would have _immediately_ rejected any attempts you could have made.  Seriously, when you walked her to the door at the end of the date, she quickly gave you a small smile before rushing inside, almost as if she couldn’t be more excited to get the hell away from you.

Well, to tell the truth, you never thought you could be more elated to end a date, but the one with Elizabeth really proved you wrong.  Of course, you’ve never been more relieved than when she approached you at school the next day asking if you could still be friends.  Maybe you didn’t really feel anything for her after all?

Your date with Francesca didn’t go any better.  It wasn’t as horrible as the one with Elizabeth, but it definitely wasn’t a _success_ either.  The other thing that you tried differently was actually making _moves_ on her.  However, it all ended up feeling pretty awkward anyway, because Francesca actually stiffened under your arm when you slung it over her shoulders during the movie.  She didn’t move away, but she never relaxed either.  Was she as nervous as you?

When you went to dinner afterwards, she actually was able to keep the conversation going as much as you, which was something that Elizabeth had failed to do.  All you could think at the time was, _Could this one really work out_?

Going along with the idea that you should totally make as many moves as possible, you actually attempted to kiss her when you dropped her off at her doorstep.  Luckily, Francesca didn’t scream and push you away like you had originally feared; she only turned her face away so that you could brush your lips against her cheek.  Again, you never realized that you would be so _relieved_ when she asked if you could still be friends afterwards.  At least you’re keeping all of these wonderful friends that you fail at dating.

However, even with as much of a relief as that was, you can’t help but wonder.

Is there something wrong with _you_?

 

* * *

 

“Don’t be silly, John.  Of _course_ there’s nothing wrong with you!” Jade scoffs, as if what you had said just a second ago was the stupidest thing she had ever heard.  “Why would you even _think_ that?” 

You groan as you bury your face even further in the pile of Squiddles plushies.  This time, your weekly get-together is being held at Jade’s house.  Rose is currently sitting on the bed, now working on a different sewing project.  You think it’s a scarf this time?  Dave and Jade are sitting on the floor, playing Mario Kart on the TV.  From the sounds you hear, you think Jade’s winning, much to Dave’s dismay.  You’re also on the floor, your legs hanging over Dave’s lap and face resting on the previously mentioned pile of plushies that lies in the space between them.  Actually, if it weren’t for the Squiddles, your head would probably be resting on Jade’s lap.

You really love having such close friends.  Ones that don’t mind getting cuddled or sprawled all over.  You’ve had the honor of having the chance to rest your head in everyone’s laps.  Hell, even _Dave_ has let you do that on many occasions!  And he never seems to mind either!  Like this time, he’s just using your ass as a cushion for his elbows as he holds his controller in earnest, trying his hardest to get in the lead again.  Wow, you really love him.

Er, that came out wrong.  You love him as a best bro, you mean!  Yeah, that’s _totally_ what you meant!

“If there’s nothing wrong with me, then why is it so hard for me to get a girlfriend?”

Dave stiffens under you for a moment before relaxing once again.  What was _that_ about?

You give it no more thought and roll over slightly when Jade’s hand ruffles your hair.  God, why does everyone do that?  You’re not a kid, dammit!  When your eyes catch the TV screen, you note that Jade only managed to beat Dave by a hair.  Dave seems unfazed by your change in position; his elbows only shift so that they’re resting more comfortably on your hip.  You turn your head to look up at Jade.  You’re immediately greeted with a warm smile.  “I think you’re just trying too hard, dude,” she says.

“I have to agree with Jade on this one, John,” Rose adds from above you on the bed.  “Perhaps, you should go for a different approach.  First, by actually waiting until you harbor feelings for the girl before blindly asking her out on a date?”

You scoff as you bat Jade’s hand away from your hair.  “What are you talking about?  I haven’t been ‘blindly asking girls out on dates.’  I make sure to pick a girl I like before I ask them.”

Dave snorts.  “It sure doesn’t look that way, bro.”

You roll over on your back to get a better look at him, giving him the best glare you can muster.  Of course Dave doesn’t flinch under your cold gaze; he only shifts his elbows again so he can rest them against your lap as he smirks at you.  “And what the fuck _does_ it look like, Dave?  Please enlighten me.”

His smirk intensifies.  “It looks like you’re a desperate dork asking every chick you can find.”

He chuckles as you smack him in the arm.  “At least I’m making an effort.  Why haven’t _you_ tried at all?  I thought you said you could get any lady you wanted?”

You feel Dave stiffen again underneath you.  Whoa, what is wrong with him tonight?  God, you really wish you could see his eyes behind those stupid aviators!  After the first time you had seen them, you had discovered that he’s actually pretty expressive.  “Well, yeah, I totally could.  Fuck, bitches are _already_ lining up the school hallways and out of this fucking goddamn city because they all want a taste of the D-”

“You’re not answering my question, Dave.”

Dave remains tense.  Wow, you really must have hit a nerve.  What did you say?  He sighs as he tightens his grip on his controller and starts moving through the level select menu.  “I just don’t feel like it.”

“How could you not-”

“I just don’t, okay, Egbert?  Too much drama and shit.  Don’t really wanna get myself caught up in the whole ‘oh no I’ve gotta try to impress my girlfriend every chance I get’ bullshit.  She tells me she wants to go out to a nice restaurant?  Well by golly I gotta get her to the most expensive joint pronto.  Wouldn’t want to risk taking her somewhere cheap and having her dump me.  She wants me to jump off a bridge?  Well, shit son, time to go.  See you all in the next life-”

You interrupt his ridiculous rant when you smack him in the arm again.  Oh god, you can’t stop laughing!  At least you’re not the only one; Jade’s cracking up along with you.  Heck, even Rose is letting out a few chuckles.  “Holy shit, Dave, you’re such a fucking doofus!”

Dave only smacks your arm in return before setting his controller down on the floor.  He opens his mouth in a huge yawn as he stretches his arms.  “Welp.  I’m gonna go downstairs for some more AJ,” he says as he crawls out from under your legs.  “BRB.”

Jade instantly shoots up to her feet beside Dave.  “Oooh!  I think I’m gonna make some popcorn!  Anyone want anything while we’re downstairs?”

“I think I’m good,” you reply.  You look up at Rose to see her politely shaking her head.

Jade’s lips curl into a huge grin as she gives you and Rose a mock salute.  “Okay then, be right back, fuckasses!”

“Christ, you’ve been hanging around Vantas too much,” you hear Dave say from the hallway.

“Shut up, asshole!!” Jade calls after him.

A tangible silence surrounds you as Jade exits the room, leaving you and Rose alone.  Why does it suddenly feel so hard to breathe?  It’s not like you’ve got any weird feelings for Rose or anything.  Is it because you’re afraid she’s going to continue on with that “you’re not asking the right person” mumbo-jumbo?  That’s ridiculous!  She _has_ to have moved on from that topic, right?

“John.”

You practically jump out of your skin at the sound of Rose’s voice breaking the silence.  You don’t even bother to look at her; the level select screen seems far more interesting right now.  “So, what are you working on, Rose?” you ask, hoping to steer her mind away from the impending topic.  “I know you’ve told me like a thousand times, but I forgot.”

“Oh I see what you’re trying to do, John.  However, I regret to inform you that whatever attempts you make to change the subject at hand will be rendered futile.”

_Shit_.

You grab one of the Squiddles from the pile under you and hug it close to your chest.  “What do you want to say then, Rose?”

“I just wanted to remind you of that little piece of advice I so graciously gave you a couple of weeks ago.”

Again.  _Shit_.  You fucking _knew_ it.

You try your best to remain calm.  “Are you talking about the whole ‘you need to find the right person’ crap?  Because I have _tried_ , and so far it’s not working all that well.”

“I think you might have misconstrued my words, John.  While I did say that you need to find the right person, I did _not_ tell you to continue asking every pretty blonde girl you find and blindly hoping she’s the one.”

Letting a groan escape your lips, you sit up so you can rest your elbows on the bed.  Rose makes no moves to look at you; her gaze solely focused on her knitting project.  “But Rose.  How am I supposed to find the right person if I do nothing?  You can’t do anything by doing nothing!”

Her lips curl into a small smile as she finally meets your gaze.  Oh god.  She’s got that all-knowing look again.  “I believe that is where you have it wrong, John.  I’m not asking you to do nothing; I’m only asking you to think.  Your ‘special someone’ _is_ out there.”  Her smile widens a bit before returning her gaze to her project.  “It will probably be someone who has been right beside you this whole time; someone who you have been _least_ expecting.”

What the hell?  Seriously.  How could there ever be someone that you’re least expecting?  Oh well, you don’t have much more time to think about it because you can hear Dave and Jade now.  They must be coming back from their kitchen run.  You let out a sigh before collapsing back on the pile of Squiddles.

You don’t even bother looking back at them when they enter the room.  You’re too involved in your inner teen angst, dammit!  It doesn’t take them long to settle into their previous positions, Dave even going through the trouble of lifting your thighs so he can crawl underneath you again.  His elbows go back to resting on your lap.  Wow, you really love how he doesn’t seem to mind being so close!  To think, he used to have such a huge personal space bubble when you first met him!  Yeah, how aweso-

Jade throws a gargantuan bowl of popcorn on your lap before getting up again to change games.  “I figured you’re really in need of a good batch of popcorn right now, John.  Hope you don’t mind!”

Another sigh escapes your lips as you look up at the ceiling.  Wow, you don’t know how you ended up so lucky!

 

* * *

 

Okay. 

This is it.

Somehow, you’ve managed to land yourself another date for tonight.  It happens to be on a Saturday this time, which makes you a little sad because it means that you had to decline yours and Dave’s plan to have bro bonding time Saturday.  But oh well.  This is more important.  You think.

Again.  This is it.  This is your big chance.  You really think Gwen is pretty, maybe even more so than the other girls you asked out before.  She also shares your love of the McConaughey, which is always an added bonus!  You met her just this year in your AP Bio class.  While she’s not your lab partner, she is the nice girl who sits on the other side of you.  You’re so happy that she said yes to this date.  However, just like _all_ the other girls before her, she seemed so fucking _hesitant_ before finally saying yes.  But no need to dwell on the past, John!  Once again, this is your chance for things to go well!

You take one more look at yourself in the bathroom mirror.  Somehow, you were able to make your hair _not_ as unkempt as usual, which you’re pretty happy about.  You think you’ve picked out some nice clothes for the night: a blue button-up and dark jeans.  Yeah, it’s not too nice and it’s not too casual.  Perfect for a date like this.

You say your goodbyes to Dad before heading out the door and into the car.  Your palms are clammy and your heart is pounding in your chest.  What if this doesn’t work out, like all the others?  Well, yeah, that’s almost to be expected with high school relationships, but just _once_ you’d like it to work out.  At least past the first date.

It’s too soon by the time you arrive at her house.  Your heart only picks up its pace.  Your stomach starts to churn.  Maybe you should have planned this date for another day; one that _doesn’t_ interfere with your bro bonding time Saturday with Dave.  Really, it would be nice to have something to look forward to tonight after this date inevitably fails.

Wait.  When did you start becoming so pessimistic?  Things _are_ going to work out!  All the pieces are in place!  It’s going to be _great_!

But why does your gut say otherwise?

Okay.  It’s finally time to ring her doorbell.  You can do this, John.  You can do this.

After wiping your sweaty hand on your jeans, you lift your finger to ring the doorbell.  It seems like an eternity before she opens the door, greeting you with a warm smile.  Wow, she really is pretty.  Especially with the way she styled her blonde hair.  “Hey there, John,” she says.  “Can you hang on a second?  I just have to grab my purse and then I’ll be ready to go.”

“Okay.”

Before you know it, she’s closed the door again.  Gwen still seems a lot nicer than both of your previous dates have been!  Things should go _much_ better this time, right?

…Right?

Her smile is even wider when she returns to the door, pink purse hanging over her shoulder.  “Well, then,” she says.  “Let’s go!”

Yep.  No need to feel so pessimistic!  This is going to go great!  She actually _talks_ with you in the car on the way to the movies!  The others didn’t even do that!  Sure, what you talk about is trivial things like that ridiculous test in AP Bio, and the AP exam that will be coming up in a few months, but you know what?  It’s nice getting to talk to her.  She really is a smart person!

Gwen seems genuinely excited about the McConaughey movie you’ll be seeing.  Unlike you, this is only her first time seeing it.  You’ve let it slip that you’ve seen it before, but you didn’t have the heart to say that you’ve seen it three times.  It’s when you’re in the theater that you realize all of your positive feelings have been for naught.  Just like with the last girl, you attempt to put your arm around her, and she _stiffens_ under you.  Maybe this is her first date too?  No, that would be ridiculous!  She’s _way_ too pretty to have never had a date before!  You know, she’s probably been on _tons_ of dates!

…so maybe it _is_ you, then.

You don’t even have the heart to offer dinner when the movie’s over; you go straight back to her house.  The two of you don’t talk much in the car.  Yeah, your gut ended up being totally right earlier.

Before she reaches her hand out for her door, she looks up at you with a small smile.  “Thanks for taking me to the movies, John.  I really did have a fun time.”

You force a smile as you scratch the back of your neck awkwardly.  “No problem!  It was…fun.”

She scratches the back of her neck too; she must have caught that from you.  “Well…see you on Monday.”

“…You too.”

Wait.  No.  You _can’t_ just let her walk away this time.  You _need_ to take action!  You’ll regret it forever if you don’t!

“W-wait.”

Gwen turns around to look at you, her hand on the doorknob.  “What is it, John?

“I…I just have one request before you leave.”  Oh wow, her expression changes, her body stiffens.  You can tell she’s starting to get nervous.  Your eyes dart around to look at your surroundings.  Anything but her, really.  God, you can’t believe you’re actually going to _ask_ her this!  “Uh…Can you tell me what I did wrong?  With tonight, I mean.  I guess I’m asking you to tell me how I can learn for the future.”

The moment those words leave your mouth, her lips curl into a smile that looks very…sympathetic?  Well you guess that makes sense; you are pretty pitiful after all.  “Oh John,” she says.  “It’s not you.  You actually did nothing wrong.  If anything, I thought you were a real gentleman tonight.”

Huh?  “Then…can I ask what it was then?”

She sighs before twirling her straight blonde hair with her finger.  “I guess it was this residing question that I had in my mind the entire time.”

“And that question was…?”

Gwen sighs yet again before finally meeting your gaze.  What is causing her to get so nervous?  Is it this question?  Oh god, why do you have a feeling that you’re going to regret asking her about all this?  “Aren’t you cheating on Dave or something?”

Wait…

…

…

_What_?

No seriously.  _What_?  What even.  How could she.  What would make her.  You don’t even know.  Just.  _What_?

“What?”  Great, that sounded super intelligent, John!  Good going, dude!

“Well…aren’t you fucking him?”

_What_?

“Whoa, whoa, whoa whoa whoa!  What would make you think that?”

Gwen lets out a small chuckle.  “I don’t know, John.  I had always just assumed that you two were fucking.  I was pretty surprised when you asked me out.”                                         

“Uh… _wow_.  Well, I wasn’t expecting _that_ one!”  You let out a really awkward as fuck chuckle.  “I can’t believe you would _think_ that!  Not that your thoughts are stupid, of course!  But _what_?  I don’t even _swing_ that way; I’m definitely not a homosexual.”

“I’m sorry, John.  But for some reason, that question sort of lingered on in my mind the entire time, and I just felt like this whole night felt…wrong, somehow.”

Holy shit.  No really.  Holy fucking _shit_.  You literally can’t voice anything.  Even when you try to open your mouth to speak, nothing will come out.  What the hell is wrong with you?  What is even happening?

Gwen smiles once again, her face showing nothing but sympathy.  She takes a step toward you and presses a quick kiss to your cheek.  You’re too confused about everything to feel any sort of proper reaction to the fact that she actually gave you a kiss.  “Again, I’m sorry John.  And thanks for the great time tonight.  See you on Monday.”

She finally goes inside, but you can’t seem to move your legs.  You are firmly rooted to the ground, one question repeating itself over and over again in your mind:

_What the everloving_ fuck?

 

* * *

 

You’re still in the car, parked in your driveway.  You should really get inside, to clear your mind of everything that had just happened.  Maybe watch a movie or something.  Yeah, that sounds nice.  You’ve always liked movies. 

But that’s the thing.  You don’t _want_ to stop thinking about this!  If anything, you want to fully wrap your head around this; try to make sense of it.  Too bad it’s not working, though.  It really had taken you by complete surprise!  How could she possibly think that you and Dave…

Again.  _What_?

But this definitely explains why Gwen seemed so hesitant to agree to your date proposal.  And why she was so awkward after you tried to make a move on her in the theater.  But what about the other girls?  They all _did_ allude to the idea of there being “someone else” that you should ask out.  Even _Rose_ has alluded to it, on more than one account!  They couldn’t have possibly been talking about Dave!

…could they?

Welp, your stomach’s starting to growl.  Yeah, you have been in this car for quite a long time.  You should probably watch a movie and get something to eat.  But what do you feel like eating?  Nothing too big.  Maybe you’ll make some popcorn.  Or order a pizza.  You know what?  Maybe you’ll do both!  You definitely deserve it after the mindfuck you’ve just ha-

_Knock knock_

_Shit_ , the sudden knocking on your window caused you to practically jump out of your skin!  You turn your head to look at the intruder and _fuck_ did your heart really just skip a beat?

_Dave_?  What is _he_ doing here?

Immediately, you open the car door and scramble out so you can stand and face him.  He quirks his eyebrow at the sight of your surprise.  You decide to answer his unasked question with another question.  “Dave?  What are you doing here?”

He shrugs.  “Nothing big.  I just decided to invite myself over for our normal bro bonding time Saturday.  I figured you’d be back around now.  But then you stayed out here for like a fucking hour.  I have to say bro, I was hoping to see some X-rated action up in here.  I am officially disappoint.”

Dude.  You seriously have no clue whether you want to smack him or hug him.

Your lack of any legit response makes him shrug again.  He places his hand to your back and pulls you with him and god _dammit_ why is your heart picking up its pace?  “Let’s go inside, Egbert.  It’s gettin’ cold as fucking _balls_ out here.”

“It’s only sixty outside.”

“What part of ‘let’s go inside,’ did you not understand?”

You chuckle as you follow his orders.  The moment you walk through the front door and into the living room, you feel your heart stop.

Holy shit.

A gigantic bowl of popcorn waits for you at the coffee table.  The menu of _Ghostbusters_ plays on repeat on the TV from under a colossal blanket fort.  And do you smell pizza in the kitchen?  You turn to Dave, who just shrugs.  Oh god, you can just _tell_ that he’s trying to act like this isn’t a big deal.  But it _is_ a big deal!  The weight of everything left unsaid finally hits you hard, like a punch to the gut.

Dave was _expecting_ your date to be another bust, and _knew_ that you would want some cheering up in the best way possible: by watching movies and pigging out on popcorn and pizza underneath an epic blanket fort.  It’s actually kind of horrible when you think about it; the fact that your best bro had such little faith in you, but you really don’t care so much about that right now.

For some reason, the only response you can give is to practically pounce on him, wrapping your arms tightly around his neck.  He stiffens under you, completely unmoving.  You feel a little guilty, since you know that Dave was never really the type for hugs, but you really need this.  You nuzzle your face into his neck.  Wow, has he always felt this warm?  “Thanks, Dave,” you murmur into his skin.

He relaxes a bit before coiling his arms around your waist.  Whoa, holy shit.  He _never_ hugs like this!  Are you dreaming?  “No prob, bro.”

Before things get incredibly awkward, you push yourself away from him and go to the kitchen to get your pizza.

The two of you proceed to watch the movie, sitting side by side with plates full of pizza in hand.  Everything about tonight should be perfect.  You’ve got your best bro next to you.  You’re watching your favorite movie.  You’re eating some of your favorite food.  But why can’t you bring yourself to feel anything but uneasy?

Is it because you can feel Dave’s heat radiating next to you, almost as if to broadcast that he’s sitting really close to you?  Is it because of what Gwen told you earlier?  No, this is just stupid!  There’s no way that you could possi-

 

_It will probably be someone who has been right beside you this whole time; someone who you have been_ least _expecting_.

 

Whoa, why is that line from Rose repeating itself in your mind?  She couldn’t have been talking about Dave, could she?

…Could she?

No!  That’s impossible!  You don’t even _swing_ that way!  You’re not gay!  Dave’s certainly not gay!  So it’s impossible!  End of story.

Wait…

_Is_ Dave straight?  He’s never mentioned anything about women.  But, then again, he’s never mentioned anything about men either.  Oh god, you should feel terrible for thinking _this_ in-depth about your best bro!  You are the worst friend.  It’s you.

You have a feeling that Dave knows something’s up.  You can see it in his actions.  The way he looks at you with his brow slightly furrowed.  The way he doesn’t eat as much popcorn as he usually does, like he’s silently telling you that you can have the rest of it.  Yeah, you’ve been best bros with him for five years!  You can read _all_ of his signals like an open book now!  But the thing is…do you even _want_ to tell him?  Oh fuck, that would just make things incredibly awkward!

When he finally does ask what’s wrong, you just shrug and challenge him to a game of Super Smash Brothers.

 

* * *

 

Okay. 

You can do this, John.  You’re not going to let that minor setback from last week get you down!  This time you’re going to ask Hilda, a friend of yours from your World History class.  Whenever the teacher made the class work in pairs, the two of you always picked each other.  You both share a similar taste in humor, as well as movies.  It’s going to be great, right?

…Right?

You’ve also chosen a great time to ask her: after school.  Really, that’s the best time to ask her!  Okay, there she is; you’d recognize that blonde ponytail anywhere!  “Hey Hilda!”

She looks up and waves at the sound of your voice.  “Hey yourself, Egbert!  So what did you want to ask me?  Do you want to get together for our upcoming project?”

You chuckle as you scratch the back of your neck.  God, you should really get rid of this annoying habit!  “Actually, no.  I had…something else I wanted to ask.”

“What is it?”

Okay.  This is it.  You can do it!  “I wanted to know if…you wanted to go out to dinner sometime?  With me?  Or maybe a movie?”  Wonderful, John.  Totally nailed it.  It’s going to be so gre-

Oh god _dammit_ , she looks confused!  Why do all these people get so fucking _confused_?!  You just don’t ge-

“But I thought that you and Dave were fucking?”

_What_?

Seriously?  _Again_?  Just.  _What_?

Okay, just calm down.  Compose yourself.  Sound a little more coherent than you did with Gwen.  “Okay…Uh…Where did you even hear this?  Because it’s not true.”

Hilda shrugs, her face showing nothing but curiosity.  “I dunno.  I thought it was fact…like the whole school knows.”

Holy fucking _shit_.  _Fuck_.  What the hell?  Just.  What even.  You can’t even.  Why would.

_Fuck_.

“The…whole school?”

Hilda shrugs yet again.  God, why is she looking at you like it’s obvious?  “Basically, yeah.  It’s not even gossip anymore, though; it’s just…kind of a fact that everyone’s accepted.”

Oh _fuck_ , your heart is racing.  Your hands are shaking.  You rake your hands through your hair, hoping that will calm your nerves at least a little bit.  “How can everyone accept it if _I_ haven’t even accepted it!  I’m not even a homosexual!”

Hilda’s brows furrow, now showing sympathy.  A lot like how Gwen did last week.  “I’m sorry, John.  But I really thought it was true.  I mean…you guys are practically attached at the hip, and I thought that was true…even in the bedroom, you know?”

Holy fucking _shit_ , is it getting hotter out here?  Your throat feels dry, like you desperately need a glass of water.  What is even _wrong_ with you?  “Well…It’s not…okay?”

Hilda looks even guiltier after looking at whatever expression you must be showing.  Just _wonderful_.  “Again, John.  I’m really sorry.  I guess that shows how I shouldn’t always listen to what people tell me, huh?”

When you don’t reply, she gives you a pat on the back.  “Well, I hate to sound like a total bitch, but I really need to get going.  My friend’s waiting for me out in the parking lot.”

You only wave at her when she leaves.

_Fuck_.  Why do you feel even _more_ confused?

 

* * *

 

Goddammit. 

Even after two fucking _weeks_ , you are _still_ confused!  You’ve stopped trying to ask girls out on dates; solely focusing your thoughts on Dave.  How does _he_ feel about all of this?  Does he know that practically the whole school thinks you’re fucking?  You haven’t been able to get the courage to ask him about it.  The _last_ thing you want to happen is for your epic broship to end.

So what you decide to focus on in the past couple of weeks is just analyzing Dave.  Everything he does.  How he acts.  Things that could make people think you’re fucking each other.

So far, you haven’t noticed anything new.  Well, he does grab your favorite dessert for you during lunch without saying a single word or asking for you to pay him back.  He also sits pretty close to you, no matter where you are.  He walks with you to almost all of your classes, even if his are on the opposite side of school.  He also texts you in class, now that the teachers have separated you because you talk too much.  Wow, you guess those looks people gave you earlier wasn’t because they were jealous of your epic broship.  They were legitimately thinking that you were fucking each other.

Again, Dave can totally tell that something’s up.  Well, then again, he can probably read you like an open book as well.  It’s also probably because you’ve been subconsciously starting to distance yourself from him.  You hadn’t noticed until he had texted you via Pesterchum earlier today in English.

 

**\-- turntechGodhead** **[TG]** ** began pestering ectoBiologist ** **[EB]** **\--**

** TG: you ok **

** EB: of course i am ok.  **

** EB: why are you asking? **

** TG: youve been acting weird egbert and not in the usual way **

** EB: should i take that as an insult? **

** TG: take it as you want **

** TG: it doesnt change the fact that youve been acting like a little kid whos not shitting his pants in a toys r us **

** TG: even after his parents had been waiting weeks to bring him there since they needed to be able to make ends meet first **

** TG: you know with daddys gambling problem and all **

** TG: all they wanted to do was make him happy by bringing him to that goddamned toy store that hes been wanting to go to for months **

** TG: and here he is being a little shit and no longer giving a fuck **

** TG: fuck egbert think of your hypothetical parents **

** TG: how do you think they feel after working so fucking hard **

** TG: you probably didnt even know that mommy was selling her body on the streets just after she put you to bed every night **

** EB: what the fuck are you even going on about, dave? **

** EB: seriously, i wonder where these tangents even come from! **

** TG: wow that hurts me egbert **

** TG: you have no idea **

** TG: right in the goddamn kokoro **

** TG: i hope you feel happy with yourself **

** EB: let’s get back to the subject before mrs. gibsonton yells at us again. **

** EB: you know, i really don’t want to have my cellphone confiscated again! **

** TG: yeah i guess we should shouldnt we **

** TG: why you acting weird **

** EB: what do you mean? **

** TG: think about it bro **

** TG: youve bailed out of bro bonding time saturdays for the past few weeks **

** TG: you havent oozed your guts out about the latest shitty movies **

** TG: so tell me **

** TG: whats up **

** EB: oh, wow. **

** EB: i didn’t mean to worry you! **

** TG: who says im worried **

** EB: oh shut up, you doofus! **

** EB: anyway, i guess it is because i've had a lot on my mind. **

** TG: like what **

** EB: wow way to be nosy! **

** TG: hey im your best bro **

** TG: i think i have claimed the right to be fucking nosy if i want to **

** EB: hey, you know what? **

** TG: what **

** EB: today’s friday, right? **

** TG: yeah so **

** EB: well we can always get together this weekend! **

** EB: maybe you could even come over after school today and stay the whole weekend, just to make up for lost time! **

** EB: and it will be even easier since my dad will be gone on a business trip! **

** EB: how does that sound? **

** TG: sounds like the best fucking plan to have ever escaped your mouth **

** EB: sweet! **

** EB: oh, we should stop talking now. **

** EB: again, i really don’t want my phone taken away again! **

** TG: sure thing **

** TG: talk to you after class **

** EB: you too! **

**\-- ectoBiologist [EB]** **ceased pestering turntechGodhead** **[TG]** **\--**

 

So that’s where you are now.  Chilling with Dave at your house, playing a healthy game of Mario Kart.  Luckily, Dave hasn’t noticed how weird you’ve been probably acting today.  For some reason it didn’t completely dawn on you that _oh shit, Dad is not going to be home and you're going to be alone with the guy who you are hypothetically fucking oh fuck this is a bad idea_.

_God_ , if only you could get those thoughts out of your head!  It’s just Dave.  The awesome dude who’s been your best bro for five years!  You’ve always hung out with him while alone!  There’s nothing to worry about!

…Except that you find that you can no longer concentrate on anything other than Dave’s close proximity to you.  You can feel his heat again; sparks igniting wherever his arm and thigh touches yours.

Well…maybe Dave _has_ noticed all of your nervous flinching, but at least he hasn’t brought it up, which is always nice.

 

* * *

 

You sit up (more like jump up) in bed, sweat dripping all over your body, chest heaving.  Oh _fuck_ , it’s like you forgot how to breathe. 

_Holy shit_.

That did _not_ just happen.

Nope.  Not at all.  Nope.  Nope nope nope nop-

Oh _fuck_.  It looks like you’re going to have to change your pants.  Oh god, so it really did just happe-

Something moves next to you in bed.  Wait, what is-

Oh fuck your life.  You totally forgot that Dave was sleeping over this weekend.  Oh god, you don’t even want to _think_ about what just happened!  You had your first wet dream in a while.  And the subject of that dream is lying _right fucking next to you_.  Not even that.  He’s fucking _clinging to you_.  At least you’re currently facing away from him, so he can’t feel the tent in your pants.

Oh god, you feel low.  Lower than low.  Like, lower than the lowest low you can possibly reach.  You feel dirty.  You feel like a pedo.  Even though Dave is technically older than you by a few months, but that’s beside the point.

You fucking just had a wet dream.  About Dave.  Your best bro.  Who is currently lying right next to you.

Fuck, you need a drink.  Actually no.  You need something better than that.  You need a fucking _cold shower_.  And a change of pants.

As you stand under the freezing water, you dare to let your mind wander back to the dream.  It started out like a normal episode of your bro bonding time Saturdays.  You were playing some video game.  Everything was going great and then.  You and Dave.  Started doing stuff.  Right there on the couch.

What’s so weird is that you don’t even feel disgusted by it.  Well, other than the fact that you happened to have this dream while Dave was _right next to you holy fuck_.  But when it comes to the actual dream itself, you’re pretty…okay with it.  If anything, it felt very familiar to you, like there was nothing wrong with just rubbing your junk all over your best bro.  Actually, it was very similar to a lot of other dreams you’ve had in the past few years, but it wasn’t about Dave.

…or _was_ it?

Holy shit.

Everything’s starting to come together.  The dreams you’ve had.  You’ve never remembered their faces or even their bodies.  You’ve just remembered blonde hair or red eyes.

Holy _shit_.

It’s all starting to make sense.  Maybe _that’s_ why you’ve only been asking out blondes.  Maybe it’s because they subconsciously reminded you of Dave.

 

_It will probably be someone who has been right beside you this whole time; someone who you have been_ least _expecting_.

 

God _dammit_ , Rose!  This is _not_ the time to be invading your thoughts!  You’re having an emotional breakdown, dammit!  Or an emotional epiphany.  You’re not quite sure which.

_I really am sorry, John.  Maybe you should try asking someone else._

_I know that there’s at least one person who will jump you the moment you ask them out.  You just…have to ask the right one._

_I’m sorry, John, but…I feel like there’s someone else you should be asking.  Not me._

_It will probably be someone who has been right beside you this whole time; someone who you have been_ least _expecting_.

 

Holy.  Fucking.  Shit.

Have you always felt something for Dave?  The entire time you’ve been bros?  Did you just not notice these feelings because you were already so close to him?  But this is so _weird_!  You’re not a homosexual!  Or…are you?  Does that make you gay if you love Dave?  Or just some weird sort of Davesexual or something?  You really don’t know anything about sexuality, do you?  You should probably ask Rose later.

Welp, it’s probably time to head back to bed.  All this inner angsting is making you tired again.  Except it’s not until you make it back to your room that your heart starts running another marathon.  Oh yeah, you forgot.  You have to get back into bed.  With Dave.  Right after you just had a wet dream about him.

Well you know what?  He’s been your best bro for five years, and you are _not_ going to make this stupid stuff get in the way of that!  After taking a deep breath, you climb back into bed.  Okay, that wasn’t so ba-

Warm arms immediately wrap around your waist.  Next thing you know, your back is pressed up against Dave’s chest and god _dammit_ you wish you could stop the butterflies from fluttering in your stomach.  You take another deep breath, forcing yourself to relax.  Actually, once you get past the anxiety of your emotions, you realize that this is quite nice.  Everything feels so… _natural_.  His warm body against yours.  His breath tickling your neck.  His thumb subtly stroking your stomach.  As you fall into the realms of Dreamland, one thought flies through your mind.

_Yeah.  You could get used to this_.

 

* * *

 

Okay, that’s it. 

You need to talk to Dave.

This is way too important to just not bring it up!  What if he feels the same way?  Then Rose will be right.  But…oh god, what if he _doesn’t_ feel the same way?

But, you’ve been best bros for five years!  That’s five years of always telling each other the truth, no matter _what_ that truth was!  You have to!  But…what i-

No!  Stop those thoughts!  You can do this, John!  This is the perfect time to ask!  You’re just chilling here on the couch with Dave, watching a marathon of _Honey Boo Boo_ on TLC.  Perfect atmosphere, right?

…Right?

“So Dave.”

“Sup.”

Perfect!  You managed to start the conversation!  Good going, dude!  But _shit_ , you need to think of how to lead everything to what you really want to talk about!  Beat around the bush a little, you know?

“Why haven’t you asked your friend out?”  _Fuck_ , why did you have to fucking ask _that_?  Welp, this is something that you’ve been wanting to know for a while now, you guess.  “You know, the blind chick who you’ve been hanging out with a lot at school?”

Dave shrugs next to you.  “Oh, you mean TZ?  Nah, we’re just bros.  You should get to know her, Egbert.  She’s pretty chill.”

“Aw, don’t deny it, Dave; you’ve got the eyes for her…oops, that pun totally wasn’t intended by the way.”

He snorts.  “Calm yo’ tits, Egbert.  I told you already.  We’re just bros.”

“Sure, okay, dude.  If you say so.”

“Shut the fuck up.”

Before you know it, Dave’s got his arm wrapped over your shoulders, pulling you closer to him to give you a noogie.  You laugh as you attempt to push him away, but to no avail.  Wow, it really does feel nice in his arms.  He feels so war-

_God_ , what is _wrong_ with you?  All this stuff just happened recently and suddenly you have all these feelings bursting out from nowhere!

When he feels like he’s had enough, Dave finally pushes you away, content with just watching TV again.  And _fuck_ , you forgot to bring it up!  Aw man, when are you going to find the courage to do so again?

It turns out that it takes about five episodes of _Honey Boo Boo_ to get it back.  Again, John: you can do this!  Just go for it!  Or something like that.

“So I’ve been thinking about something lately.”

“Well, my oh my, that surely isn’t a good sign.”

He chuckles when you smack him in the arm.  “Shut up, Dave.  Anyway…I need to talk to you about something.”

“I’m all ears bro.  Fuck, you can just call me a mutant right here and now, with all these goddamn ears that are covering this sweet bod.  Shit son, you should just go and hide me now.  I bet the feds are coming any minute, wanting to take me away and do all sorts of experiments on me.  I have to tell you, Egbert, it won’t be very pret-”

Oh god, now you can’t stop laughing!  How does he always do that?  “Oh my god, Dave, just shut up!  This is serious.”

Dave turns his head to look at you, his eyebrow raised.  Oh shit, now that you’ve got his attention, you find it harder to talk!  “So lately, I’ve been hearing rumors at school.  About us, I mean.”

He only raises his eyebrow a little more.  “And…?”

_Fuck_ , you can’t do it!  Abort mission, commander!  Abort!  “…Yeah.”  Nice save!

However, it looks like Dave is not very pleased with this turn of events.  “Well, are you going to share your notes with the class?  You can’t just leave everyone hangi-”

“Everyone thinks we’re fucking, Dave.”  _Fuck_ , you just said it.

It takes all your strength to steal a glance at Dave.  His face is completely unreadable as he turns to face the TV.  What the fuck?  Is he seriously not going to react?  At all?

“…Dave?  Don’t you have anything to say about that?  It’s not just my reputation here, you know.”

All he does is shrug.  “I’ve got mutant red eyes, Egbert.  My bro’s big into the puppet porn business.  You’d think that I’d be jaded by now with any sort of rumors.”  He returns his gaze back to you.  Or, at least, you _think_ so.  Curse those stupid aviators you gave him for his birthday!  “It’s not like it’s true.  And it’s not like our lives are at stake because of this.  Let those little shits think what they want to think.  As long as _we_ know the truth, that’s all that should matter.”

Wow.  It’s been a while since you’ve heard him say anything that could be taken seriously.  That was a really good response.  But why do you feel so…disappointed?  “Yeah…I guess you’re right, Dave.”

You think you’ve finally finished discussing this topic and returned your attention to Honey Boo Boo’s antics when Dave pipes in, “…unless.”

Oh shit, what?  “Unless…?”

“Unless you _want_ those lies to be true.”  Oh fuck, you think your heart just stopped.  Should this be the time to say somethi-

“Which would be weird as fuck, huh.  It’d be like fucking your brother, which is something _I_ personally don’t want to think about.  Fucking my big bro-"  He facepalms.  "Ugh, why did I _do_ that to myself?”

Well, fuck.  You guess you shouldn’t ever bring it up, then.  Just let your new-found feelings go.  They were probably just a fluke anyway.  You chuckle.  “How high do you even have to be?”

At the sound of your shitty reference to his even shittier webcomic, Dave smirks a bit before immediately going back to his normal goddamn stupid poker face.  “Pretty damn high.”

“What if I told you…nah, forget it.”

_Shit_.  Why did you have to open your big, fat mouth?  What is _wrong_ with you?  At least you saved yourself there in the en-

“Told me what, Egbert?  You can’t just start with that and then leave me hanging.  You are the worst best bro ever.  It’s you.”

“I said forget it, Dave.  Oh hey look!  The new episode of _Honey Boo Boo_ is coming on!  Don’t you want to-”

_Fuck_ , Dave just turned off the TV.  Things must be getting serious; he _never_ turns off the TV, especially when it’s during one of his favorite “ironic” shows.  “I think I’d rather hear what you were going to say.  You sparked my interest, Egbert, and you know what happens when you spark my interest.”

You take in as deep of a breath as you can as you rake your fingers through your hair.  It’s now or never.  “Uh…I guess I was going to say…What if I told you that…I’ve thought about it…?

“You’ve thought about it.”  Oh fucking _shit_ , Dave doesn’t sound happy.

“Well not about the fucking part of it!  Actually yes, a little bit, but still!  I was just considering my options, like what happens if I _am_ a homosexual or something, you know?  And I realized that I like being close to you and I might actually want to go out with you and stuff and oh god why am I still talking?  This has become really awkward, hasn’t it?  Come on, let’s go watch that new episode.  I know how excited you’ve been all day for it.  Don’t deny it, Dave; it’s totally true.”

Before he can even react, you grab the remote out of his hand and turn on the TV.  Not wanting Dave to bring up the subject again, you hide the remote before he can have the chance to get it back.

Oh god, the silence between you as you watch the new _Honey Boo Boo_ episode is so heavy, you almost find it hard to breathe.  Oh god, why did you have to say all that?  You started talking, and then you just couldn’t _stop_.  Seriously, what is wro-

“Out of all the years I’ve known you, Egbert, that’s always been the one thing I’ve hated.”

Huh?  “Uh…what?”

“I hate how you always talk such shit and then go and fucking change the goddamn topic before I can even have a say.  Shit’s frustrating, bro.”

“I…I’m sorry, Dave.”

He turns to look at you once again, but you can’t bring yourself to meet his gaze.  Oh fuck, has it gotten hotter in here?  “Wanna know something, though?  Something I’ve never told you before?”

Shit, your heart’s going off like a firecracker.  “I dunno, Dave.  I don’t know if I feel like listening to you ramble about something lame like your bro’s newest line of Smuppets.  You kno-”

“No, it’s not about that.  I’ve never been fully honest with you, Egbert.  About why I’ve never bothered to ask chicks out, even when I know bitches would totes be linin’ up everywhere just to get the slightest taste of my Strider swag.”

A firecracker?  Ignore that; your hearts a fucking nuclear explosion right now.  Just breathe, John.  In and out.  In and out.  In an-

“Aw, fuck it; just look at me, John.”

Wait, what?  He hasn’t said your first name so… _seriously_ in a long time.  You do as he says, turning to see what kind of lame secret he’s probably going to tel-

He places his hand at the back of your head and yanks you toward him, his lips meshing with yours.

Holy shit.  Holy fucking _shit_.  Dave.  _Dave_.  Is _kissing_ you.  You think your brain has officially turned off.  Sorry, John Egbert is officially not here right now.  Please leave a message after the beep.

This is totally not what you were expecting your first kiss to be like.  From all the movies, you thought that it was going to be something extremely romantic; something would make all romcoms look like child’s play.  You thought that there were going to be fireworks exploding everywhere.

Instead, here you are, sitting on the couch in your living room, locking lips with your best bro while Honey Boo Boo yells something along the lines of “I POOP BIGGER!” in the background.  You’ve never kissed before, and you’re sure he hasn’t either, with the way your noses push against each other kind of uncomfortably and your glasses bump into his shades.  But, as you feel his soft lips sliding with yours, you realize that you wouldn’t want it any other way.

_Way_ too soon, he pulls away.  When you finally get the nerve to open your eyes, you see that his lips are curled into a small, lopsided smile.  Wow.  He hardly _ever_ smiles.  He should really smile more often!  “I’d rather have that than anything they could ever give me.”

Before you can stop yourself, a huge grin spreads across your face.  Holy shit, he feels the same way!  A wave of excitement crashes through you, followed by sudden nervousness about what this all means.  “Wow, Dave.  Wow.  Uh.”  You give Dave a quick peck on the lips.  “That’s great!  I guess.  But, Dave?  Can we go slow with this?  It’s all kinda new and weird to me.”

Dave’s smile widens a bit as he leans in to press his lips to your temple.  “No prob.  Just take as long as you need.  I’ve been waiting a good four, five years.  I can wait a little longer.”

Holy shit, he’s liked you _that_ long?  That’s about as long as you two have been best br-

You let out a giddy laugh as you lean in for another kiss on the lips.  He’s more than happy to oblige.  You can’t believe this is actually a thing that is happening!

You both change your positions so you can cuddle easier.  His arm hangs over your shoulders while both of yours are wrapped around his waist.  You continue watching Honey Boo Boo and her crazy redneck family.  You’re not even really paying attention to the episode anymore - you’re both focused solely on each other, giving pecks on the lips whenever the chance arises.

Wow.  Things are going to be different now, huh?  But you guess nothing’s really changed in the long run, at least not between you two.  This all feels so natural, like you should have been doing this all along.

But oh man.  Even if nothing much has changed between you, things will definitely change in other aspects.  Like how will Dad react to you suddenly having a boyfriend instead of trying to woo the ladies?  How will the world react?

Your name is John Egbert, and even if you don’t know what life will throw at you in the future, you know you can handle it because you’ve got Dave by your side.

 

* * *

 

John and Dave.

Dave and John.

The two of you are a package deal; you can’t have one without the other.  That’s how it’s always been.  And that’s how it will always be.

 

~Fin~

 

**Author's Note:**

> First off, I want to say thank you for your kudos and wonderful comments! They really have made my week a lot brighter!
> 
> Okay, now I'll post a little contest-thing (because I am desperate to write something new but I'm too afraid of going through the kinkmeme because spoilers):
> 
> So we all know by now the "all of John's dates have blonde hair" thing. However, there is another pattern that his dates share. The first person to figure out the correct pattern (and send me a PM via [my tumblr page](http://the-real-aibouftw.tumblr.com/ask)) can request a JohnDave one-shot from me. My only requests are: no rape/non-con, and nothing canon-related (because I haven't been caught up for a while and I'm afraid of spoilers).
> 
> Have fun!
> 
>  
> 
> **EDIT: The contest thing is officially over. Congratulations to[wimpyghost](http://archiveofourown.org/users/wimpyghost)! For those of you who still want to figure it out on your own, I'll post the answer to the pattern [here](http://the-real-aibouftw.tumblr.com/post/73211924659/contest-thing-is-over). Thanks for playing guys!**


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